Day 100 (we're switching to digits)

Today, on my one hundredth day of posting, I've decided to do a little reflection on the progress I've made so far. I've had a couple of days that were kind of rough for me emotionally, and I figure this is the perfect place to let it all out.

So there's this new show on TLC called "My Strange Addiction." And, as the title would suggest, these people have some strange addictions. Toilet-paper eaters, thumb suckers, compulsive shoe shoppers...just to name a few. But interestingly, some of the advice given to the addicts by psychiatrists on the show applies rather well to my own addiction to food.

Really and truly, for most of my life I've had an addictive relationship with food. Any time I'm sad, stressed, defeated, upset, or just plain bored, my first instinct has always been to go for food. I've got my "hard drugs," which tend to be things like numbered meals at fast food places, bags of Peanut M&M's, delivered pizza, etc. Then I have the more recreational stuff, which can be anything from a mac and cheese to Sun Chips. It all depends on the size of the emotion I'm trying to satisfy. So I've been able to relate a lot to the people on "My Strange Addiction," even if my own addiction is not as outlandish as theirs. Those self-destructive behaviors are all too familiar to me.

Something one of the psychiatrists on the show suggested is removing triggers from the house. My triggers, I've learned, are anything in the pantry or fridge that is salty, sweet, and can be eaten instantly and in quantity. This is why it was so helpful to me when I started this whole project to throw out all my triggers: nutella, sugary cereal, chips, etc. Just getting these things out of the house makes me eat so much healthier. No matter how many nutritious foods I stock up on, if I have even one box of cookies - even fat-free, "healthy" cookies - in the pantry, when I snack I'll choose cookies over fruits and veggies every time until the cookies are gone. I've learned about my triggers the hard way for the past few weeks, having bought a few "healthy" snacks like pretzels, Trader Joe's corn puffs (similar to Pirate's Booty), 100 calorie packs, and those fat-free Snack Wells cookies. I might have bought a bunch of fruits and veggies in addition to all of that stuff, but they get immediately forgotten at snack time in favor of the empty-calorie quick snacks.

Soooo, we're doing a bit of pantry purging again. :) I'm also considering restarting Phase One next week, because I think that sense of structure really helps me.

Another thing that was suggested on the show, which I think is a great idea, is to list the reasons why you quit your addiction. This way, every time you're tempted to relapse, you can go look at your list and remember what made you quit in the first place. So I thought, what better place to do this than on the blog? So here is my list:

 Official Reasons Why Campbell is Quitting Her Food Addiction:

1. To be HEALTHY. Considering the heart problems in my family, being overweight is a serious danger to my health.
2. To live life! To have adventures that I've had to avoid because of my weight.
3. To let out my inner social butterfly. The weight is often responsible for making me reclusive and wary of forming new relationships.
4. To learn to love myself. This has always been a struggle for me, and the weight is the largest cause of it.
5. To be comfortable in my own skin. It's acutely painful to know that the majority of people you meet will find you unattractive at best and repulsive at worse. Not to mention all the other snap judgements many, myself included, make about overweight people. I want to be able to go out and public without feeling ashamed.
6. To be light enough to get swept off my feet one day. :)
7. To prevent my future children from inheriting my eating issues. 
8. To give hope to others struggling with food addiction.
9. To have more energy.
10. To discover my inner shopaholic! I actually like clothes and fashion, but shopping has always been more of a chore than a pleasure. I've never felt myself worth the time and energy needed to put some effort into my appearance, and I'm tired of feeling that way!
11. To be in control of my own life!

This is me, SUCCEEDING!

Those are just a few, of course, and I'm sure I'll be adding to the list as I go. I've been struggling with feelings of failure the last couple of days...weeks, really. And it's funny, because I really haven't failed at all. I've taken all four of my walks for the week. I've kept my calories within my goals. I haven't touched fast food or candy, or any of my other "hard drugs." But somehow, the fact that I still struggle with cravings makes me feel like I'm going into a downward spiral. The thing is, I'M in control of that downward spiral. I don't have to spiral if I don't want to. I have the strength and the ability to see this thing through, and gosh darnit, I'm going to!!

So this post was meant as a little pep talk for myself, but also to update everyone on where I am emotionally. I know my posts have been sparse and infrequent lately, which is undoubtedly linked to my fears that I'm going to fail once again. But here's the thing, everyone:

I'm not going to fail. I'm not going to fail. I'm not going to fail. I'm not going to fail!

I won't, I can't let myself fail again. I know I can do this, because I have all of you behind me, cheering me on!

So here's to success. And to getting over the little bumps along the way. Here's to veggies, exercise, and energy. Here's to treating myself the way I deserve to be treated.

I just have to keep telling myself: You've got this, girl. You've TOTALLY got this.