That's right, we're back at day one again. It's been so gosh darn long since I've been on this blog that the address doesn't come up in the suggestions when I start typing it in my browser. There have been too many days to even go back and count since the last time I posted.
Not cool, Campbell. So not cool.
I lay awake last night berating myself for being so bad at following through with things. But I regret nothing so much as not following through with this blog! It helped me so, so much throughout last year, and I have no good excuse for letting it go other than laziness.
Life has not exactly been thrilling since graduation...I'm back working at my trusty daycare, back at the same place I worked at in high school. My resume is underwhelming, my energy levels are in the tank, and browsing job listings stresses me out like crazy because it makes me feel like I'm not qualified for anything. Not to mention that it's January and I'm still living it home...I've basically just been coasting since I moved back.
So that ball of fun, along with a job that can be rather taxing at times, has led to a breakdown in my good eating and exercising habits. I come home exhausted everyday, so that I'm just not mentally prepared to go out for a walk, even if I'm probably physically capable of it. With all these things weighing on my mind, my stress-eating has gotten out of control. Not so out of control that I have a bag of M&M's stashed in my bedroom, but there have been times when it's come close. Happily, I've been able to maintain my weight, but I haven't really lost anything since I got back from England.
My problem is that whenever life gets stressful, particularly when I'm frustrated at myself, the world, or whatever for not working the way I want it to, my strategy is to simply escape. Be it a book or a TV show or an iPhone game, I dig myself a nice cozy hole and bury myself in it, so I don't have to think of all the things I should be doing instead. I do this until I cannot possibly escape any longer, and finally force myself to act.
Well, I'm about at that point right now. In a little more than six months I'll be 26, closer to thirty than twenty and on my own as far as health insurance goes. So I need to find a real job with benefits, or face taking on a full time position at the daycare (again) to get insurance. And I really can't let that happen.
The key for me, I think, is to take control of the things I can control, like eating. I can't make anyone hire me, and it's going to take some hard work to whip my resume into shape, but myself I can take care of right now. I'm in total control of my eating and exercise, and it's purely my choice whether to succeed or fail in that arena. I think that once I start losing weight again, it will boost my self-confidence to the point where looking at job boards and going to interviews isn't such a stressful thing anymore. When I get myself together on the things within my control, then I can start to attack the things that aren't. But as long as I'm feeling down on myself for abandoning my healthy habits, I'm not going to be able to move forward.
So what I need to do first is to get my brain back to a place where food is not my top priority. Back when my good habits were in place, food wasn't the first thing on my mind all the time, and exercising was part of my routine, not some difficult thing I had to work myself up to. Those are my goals for this week - downgrade food, upgrade exercise. If I can get out and exercise twice this week, I will consider it a major success! I'll be up in Asheville this weekend, so maybe Ginny and I can go on a hike.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings, and wish me luck! I know I can jump back on this wagon, so it's time to get busy!
P.S. I'm totally aware that at least my last five posts have been very similar in tone and content to this post. Sigh. Hopefully this time it will stick.
