Day Sixty-One

Oh, boy. I'm up to my old tricks again.

I'm not going to make any excuses: claim Christmas, blame it on being at home, or any of the like. I have to be able to stay healthy in a variety of situations, and if simply coming home is enough to throw me off, I have a lot of work to do!

So it's confession time.

Confession #1: I've only exercised twice since I came home on December 13.

Confession #2: I made an Italian cream cake for our annual DeRosa/Hebrank/Krebs/Linton Christmas dinner. I licked the bowl. Both the batter bowl and the icing bowl. There was also a bowl of M&Ms on the counter while I was baking which I partook of far too frequently.

Confession #3: I had a piece of cake at dinner. A large one. I ate most of it.

Confession #4: The morning after, I ate leftover cake. And leftover mashed potatoes. And leftover M&Ms.

Confession #5: This morning I ate two spoonfuls of leftover cake icing. Thank God Mom threw the cake out.

These confessions are meant to serve the same purpose they would in a religious context. I'm stating my sins, asking for absolution, and beginning again with a clean slate.

I expected to experience a few pitfalls over the holidays, but it scares me all the same, when these old behaviors resurface. Even though I know I can't expect myself to be instantly and permanently cured of my food issues, every time I deviate just a little bit from being healthy I immediately feel like I've failed.

I think the biggest concern I have is not the fact that I ate some cake and mashed potatoes. It's the fact that I did a lot of it in secret, and experienced that familiar feeling of shame after I'd done it. The fear that someone in the house was going to notice that I'd eaten cake. The fear that they would also think I'm a failure.

Therein, I believe, lies the problem. I indulge in secret, and feel ashamed afterwards. These feelings of shame and failure lead to further secretive unhealthy eating, which will eventually result in actual failure.

So. I'm putting my sins out there for everyone to see, and I'm refusing to be ashamed. Instead, I'm going to wipe the slate clean and start again. A couple of days of cake will not ruin me! So we're going to focus on the positives:

Positive #1: While I indulged, I did not binge. In the past, had I been alone with half a leftover cake, another half of it would have been gone before the day was through. After the piece at dinner, I had a few more bites, at most. Mom ended up giving and throwing most of the cake away (the throwing away part at my request!).

Positive #2: I'm not nursing secret shame. At least, not anymore. I'm not letting it get me down. I'm not letting it lead to further bad decisions.

Positive #3: I'm using this slight downfall to facilitate further growth. I want to use this to encourage myself in the future, since I know this will not be the only downfall I'll ever experience.

Okay, so those are the only positives I can think of right now. :) But it's a start. The biggest step for me is putting all this out in the open instead of keeping it to myself and pretending it didn't happen. I know this blog has been my strength and support so far, and I intend to keep it that way!

Plan of action:

1. Get exercise today. And tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that!

2. Go back to counting calories and posting them on the blog every night.

3. Post on the blog every night!

4. Plan meals for the rest of the week. Knowing what I'm going to eat ahead of time always makes for healthier decisions!

5. Don't beat myself up if I indulge in a few treats between now and Christmas. Continue to employ moderation and restraint.

Onward and upward! I know you guys are rooting for me!!