Day 166

So I finally dragged my lazy butt over here to post! I don't know what's been up with me the last couple of days...I haven't been as motivated for some reason. I fell of the wagon a little this weekend and made a dessert. I don't know why I did it. Part of it was because I was home alone (Karlee went home for the weekend) and bored, I guess, and I hadn't had my pills so I was especially powerless against the munchies. But I wasn't sad or otherwise emotionally compromised...my dad was in Athens and we had just had a nice visit.

Going back and analyzing everything, I think a lot of why I caved to the need for chocolate was because I just got wrapped up in the "It's the weekend, I've got the place to myself, I don't have homework, so I'm just going to hang out in my PJs and play computer games and enjoy our weekend sample of Starz" thing. I also think that maybe I was a little lonely, having spent the past few weekends with friends and the fam...so maybe it was a little shock to my system to be left on my lonesome with Gus.

Whatever the reason, I decided I wanted chocolate, and I had a deadly combination of ingredients in my pantry: flour, eggs, sugar, butter, and cocoa. All you need for a wickedly delicious fudge-y pie/cake.

The good news is that I halved the recipe. Then, upon regaining my senses a little bit, I served myself a sensibly sized slice and dumped the rest in the trash before I had the chance to eat it. So that, at least, was a triumph.

I guess it just goes to show that one is never cured of food addiction. Luckily, I didn't "get drunk"or go on a binge. I think I've definitely learned how to have more control over my eating. But it still felt pretty bad, after I had done it, like I had committed a major diet crime.

So I had to talk myself through it and reassure myself that I had merely stumbled, not fallen. One slice of chocolate pie/cake was not going to ruin me! The important thing was that I threw it away and snapped back to good habits the next day.

I didn't want to talk about it on the blog, though. But I knew from the get-go that it was important that I share my boo-boo with everyone rather than pretend it didn't happen. Posting about it has made me realize that, in the grand scheme of things, one bad weekend will not ruin me. Bad days will come. As long as I can let those bad days go and move on with getting healthy, we're good! But I'm glad I'm putting it out there, instead of letting it simmer on my conscience for the next two weeks. The shame and the sneaky mindset I often have towards eating is what fuels a lot of my problems, so I'm determined to nix it!

So I got back on track today by getting out for my walk. It was a beautiful, if a little chilly, day, and I savored it, knowing that it will probably be the last day below 80 until October. I also cooked yesterday and today, and made some super yummy meals! I've enjoyed recipes from Steamy Kitchen for the past couple of days. Monday I made Chicken Sausage with Apple Slaw, which was great! I bought Trader Joe's Andouille chicken sausage, which was spicy and delicious. Here's a picture:

Then tonight I made Chicken Caprese, with a simple greens and avocado salad on the side. Yum!

We're getting back on track. One step at a time. I weighed in last Friday and was only down .2 pounds, and I'm not hopeful for this Friday, considering that this week will mainly be damage control. But I'll get it together! Forward ho!

BTW, does anyone on here use Twitter? It's something I've been meaning to figure out for a long time, and I thought it might be a useful supplement to the blog. Thoughts?

Day Sixty-One

Oh, boy. I'm up to my old tricks again.

I'm not going to make any excuses: claim Christmas, blame it on being at home, or any of the like. I have to be able to stay healthy in a variety of situations, and if simply coming home is enough to throw me off, I have a lot of work to do!

So it's confession time.

Confession #1: I've only exercised twice since I came home on December 13.

Confession #2: I made an Italian cream cake for our annual DeRosa/Hebrank/Krebs/Linton Christmas dinner. I licked the bowl. Both the batter bowl and the icing bowl. There was also a bowl of M&Ms on the counter while I was baking which I partook of far too frequently.

Confession #3: I had a piece of cake at dinner. A large one. I ate most of it.

Confession #4: The morning after, I ate leftover cake. And leftover mashed potatoes. And leftover M&Ms.

Confession #5: This morning I ate two spoonfuls of leftover cake icing. Thank God Mom threw the cake out.

These confessions are meant to serve the same purpose they would in a religious context. I'm stating my sins, asking for absolution, and beginning again with a clean slate.

I expected to experience a few pitfalls over the holidays, but it scares me all the same, when these old behaviors resurface. Even though I know I can't expect myself to be instantly and permanently cured of my food issues, every time I deviate just a little bit from being healthy I immediately feel like I've failed.

I think the biggest concern I have is not the fact that I ate some cake and mashed potatoes. It's the fact that I did a lot of it in secret, and experienced that familiar feeling of shame after I'd done it. The fear that someone in the house was going to notice that I'd eaten cake. The fear that they would also think I'm a failure.

Therein, I believe, lies the problem. I indulge in secret, and feel ashamed afterwards. These feelings of shame and failure lead to further secretive unhealthy eating, which will eventually result in actual failure.

So. I'm putting my sins out there for everyone to see, and I'm refusing to be ashamed. Instead, I'm going to wipe the slate clean and start again. A couple of days of cake will not ruin me! So we're going to focus on the positives:

Positive #1: While I indulged, I did not binge. In the past, had I been alone with half a leftover cake, another half of it would have been gone before the day was through. After the piece at dinner, I had a few more bites, at most. Mom ended up giving and throwing most of the cake away (the throwing away part at my request!).

Positive #2: I'm not nursing secret shame. At least, not anymore. I'm not letting it get me down. I'm not letting it lead to further bad decisions.

Positive #3: I'm using this slight downfall to facilitate further growth. I want to use this to encourage myself in the future, since I know this will not be the only downfall I'll ever experience.

Okay, so those are the only positives I can think of right now. :) But it's a start. The biggest step for me is putting all this out in the open instead of keeping it to myself and pretending it didn't happen. I know this blog has been my strength and support so far, and I intend to keep it that way!

Plan of action:

1. Get exercise today. And tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that!

2. Go back to counting calories and posting them on the blog every night.

3. Post on the blog every night!

4. Plan meals for the rest of the week. Knowing what I'm going to eat ahead of time always makes for healthier decisions!

5. Don't beat myself up if I indulge in a few treats between now and Christmas. Continue to employ moderation and restraint.

Onward and upward! I know you guys are rooting for me!!

Day Forty-Six

I'm going to go ahead and admit it.

I want a cookie.

I really want a cookie.

It doesn't help that Karlee has a batch of them sitting on the counter. Or that she made cupcakes today, of all things! And they're just sitting there. Temptingly.

Ugh. But I've been doing really well with resisting...that little voice in my head keeps urging me to just try a little bite of cookie, or take just a little swipe of icing. But my healthy eating voice has been louder so far! I took out some of my cookie frustrations on pounding almonds up for the tilapia I made for dinner, which helped. Cooking something tasty for dinner makes me less anxious for satisfaction through sweets. I also redirected with fat free whipped cream and a kashi bar, which helped a lot. It's a fight though. Guess that's the point, right?

But so far so good. I just keep telling myself that now is good practice for Christmas, when the sweets will be much more tempting!

Besides resisting cookies, I also took my 30 minute walk today, despite the temptation to skip it. It was freezing, and I had other stuff I preferred to be doing, and I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to go. Then I stopped myself, thought "Just take the dang walk, Campbell," and got out there. It was COLD. I wore mittens and a fleece jacket but my arms and thighs were still pretty numb by the time I got back. But it still felt really good to get it done. Especially considering how much I didn't want to! Victory #2.

I made Almond and Parmesan Baked Tilapia for dinner (from Kalyn's Kitchen...what would I do without her?), which was delicious. This means a lot coming from me, as I'm definitely not a fan of fish. I was supposed to use almond meal, but because I didn't have any, I just ground up some almonds I had in the pantry, which worked out fine. Here's a picture:

I also made a variation of Kalyn's South Beach-Friendly Tartar Sauce, but I didn't have any plain Greek yogurt, so I used reduced fat sour cream instead. It was delish!

So that was a treat! I would say, in all, the day went well. I didn't have any pressing homework, I got to take a little break, which was nice. One more week until I'm officially done with the semester!

Today's food:

Breakfast

Egg Mcmuffin - 300 (I know, not my best choice. But I was out of milk and desperate)

Lunch

Scrambled eggs w/ spinach and goat cheese - 233

Veggie sausage links - 80

Dinner

Almond and Parmesan baked tilapia - 230 (approx.)

Grape tomatoes - 9

Sauce - 70

Snacks

Leftover meatballs - 165

Kashi fruit and grain bar - 120

Fat-free whipped cream - 50

Snow cream pop - 45

Cup skim milk - 86 

Total: 1388