Oh, boy. I'm up to my old tricks again.
I'm not going to make any excuses: claim Christmas, blame it on being at home, or any of the like. I have to be able to stay healthy in a variety of situations, and if simply coming home is enough to throw me off, I have a lot of work to do!
So it's confession time.
Confession #1: I've only exercised twice since I came home on December 13.
Confession #2: I made an Italian cream cake for our annual DeRosa/Hebrank/Krebs/Linton Christmas dinner. I licked the bowl. Both the batter bowl and the icing bowl. There was also a bowl of M&Ms on the counter while I was baking which I partook of far too frequently.
Confession #3: I had a piece of cake at dinner. A large one. I ate most of it.
Confession #4: The morning after, I ate leftover cake. And leftover mashed potatoes. And leftover M&Ms.
Confession #5: This morning I ate two spoonfuls of leftover cake icing. Thank God Mom threw the cake out.
These confessions are meant to serve the same purpose they would in a religious context. I'm stating my sins, asking for absolution, and beginning again with a clean slate.
I expected to experience a few pitfalls over the holidays, but it scares me all the same, when these old behaviors resurface. Even though I know I can't expect myself to be instantly and permanently cured of my food issues, every time I deviate just a little bit from being healthy I immediately feel like I've failed.
I think the biggest concern I have is not the fact that I ate some cake and mashed potatoes. It's the fact that I did a lot of it in secret, and experienced that familiar feeling of shame after I'd done it. The fear that someone in the house was going to notice that I'd eaten cake. The fear that they would also think I'm a failure.
Therein, I believe, lies the problem. I indulge in secret, and feel ashamed afterwards. These feelings of shame and failure lead to further secretive unhealthy eating, which will eventually result in actual failure.
So. I'm putting my sins out there for everyone to see, and I'm refusing to be ashamed. Instead, I'm going to wipe the slate clean and start again. A couple of days of cake will not ruin me! So we're going to focus on the positives:
Positive #1: While I indulged, I did not binge. In the past, had I been alone with half a leftover cake, another half of it would have been gone before the day was through. After the piece at dinner, I had a few more bites, at most. Mom ended up giving and throwing most of the cake away (the throwing away part at my request!).
Positive #2: I'm not nursing secret shame. At least, not anymore. I'm not letting it get me down. I'm not letting it lead to further bad decisions.
Positive #3: I'm using this slight downfall to facilitate further growth. I want to use this to encourage myself in the future, since I know this will not be the only downfall I'll ever experience.
Okay, so those are the only positives I can think of right now. :) But it's a start. The biggest step for me is putting all this out in the open instead of keeping it to myself and pretending it didn't happen. I know this blog has been my strength and support so far, and I intend to keep it that way!
Plan of action:
1. Get exercise today. And tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that!
2. Go back to counting calories and posting them on the blog every night.
3. Post on the blog every night!
4. Plan meals for the rest of the week. Knowing what I'm going to eat ahead of time always makes for healthier decisions!
5. Don't beat myself up if I indulge in a few treats between now and Christmas. Continue to employ moderation and restraint.
Onward and upward! I know you guys are rooting for me!!
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Day Nineteen
I'm being bludgeoned by schoolwork again! Of course, as usual, all of my big assignments seem to come together like the perfect storm. I have a Biology test Thursday and two papers, one due Thursday, the other on Friday. I guess it's nice of my professors not to have it all fall the week before Thanksgiving break, but still, I'm kind of tearing my hair out.
But despite the heavy load, I got a 25 minute walk in today! I've decided that if I don't do it as soon as I get home from class, it simply won't get done. So I took my new tennis shoes for a test drive (they're sooo comfortable! And so much better than my old ones!) and took three laps around the 'hood. It was a little warm for my taste, but I managed all the same. Great progress there...I'm usually great at coming up with excuses not to exercise, and today I had plenty to choose from. But I just made up my mind and did it and it felt awesome!
I've periodically been observing small details about my current weight loss endeavor that set it apart from past efforts. For example, often when I got on a "health kick" in the past I get waaaaay ahead of myself, imagining all the cute stuff I'm finally going to be able to wear when I get "skinny" and how much easier shopping will be, etc. etc. I count my chickens before they hatch. But I've found that when wearing cute clothes and getting skinny are my ultimate goals, I get frustrated very quickly, because the weight doesn't come off fast enough, and I end up resorting to old habits to console myself. This time around, however, those things are much further from my mind. The goal isn't to achieve an idealistic body type or to have more fun at the mall. It's much bigger and broader than that this time - what I relish in now, I've found, is simply healthier living. The beauty of that is I can see the results of it everyday! I'm rewarded not somewhere down the road, but in the here and now, every time I eat a healthy meal, every time I go out and get exercise. It's amazing, really, because it's a mindset I never though myself capable of adopting. I don't think so much about how great it's going to be when I look the way I want to, but rather how happy my body must be about the excellent treatment it's getting, and how liberating and empowering it is to be actively working, day by day, to improve myself and my life. Even though I haven't lost enough weight to really notice, I see the change in my energy levels, in my optimistic, can-do attitude, in the peace I feel at the end of every day that comes with the knowledge that there's hope for me after all.
And now I'm in tears. Lol. Happy tears, of course! I didn't realize until I wrote that last bit how very little hope I had (up until now, of course) that I could ever get my act together. Again, I don't want to count my chickens, as I'm always very cautious when trusting myself with new "projects," but this doesn't feel like a passing fad to me anymore. It feels like something I can do, that I want to do, that I enjoy doing, and that I can keep doing for life. I'm not saying I won't ever stumble, or that I'm cured of my food issues forever. But I feel more capable of dealing with them now, now that I've discovered my ability to exert control over it. To be able to say that I'm in control of my food, and not the other way around, is something I've never really been able to claim in the past.
I owe a lot of all this to all of you wonderful people that have been reading and commenting. It gives me so much strength to know that the people who love me are with me in this. This is a battle I can't fight on my own, and reaching out has proved to be the most effective weight loss strategy I've ever come up with. So thank you, thank you, thank you.
On a lighter note, I had a lovely grilled zucchini and tomato salad for dinner today, thanks to Kalyn's Kitchen...
But despite the heavy load, I got a 25 minute walk in today! I've decided that if I don't do it as soon as I get home from class, it simply won't get done. So I took my new tennis shoes for a test drive (they're sooo comfortable! And so much better than my old ones!) and took three laps around the 'hood. It was a little warm for my taste, but I managed all the same. Great progress there...I'm usually great at coming up with excuses not to exercise, and today I had plenty to choose from. But I just made up my mind and did it and it felt awesome!
I've periodically been observing small details about my current weight loss endeavor that set it apart from past efforts. For example, often when I got on a "health kick" in the past I get waaaaay ahead of myself, imagining all the cute stuff I'm finally going to be able to wear when I get "skinny" and how much easier shopping will be, etc. etc. I count my chickens before they hatch. But I've found that when wearing cute clothes and getting skinny are my ultimate goals, I get frustrated very quickly, because the weight doesn't come off fast enough, and I end up resorting to old habits to console myself. This time around, however, those things are much further from my mind. The goal isn't to achieve an idealistic body type or to have more fun at the mall. It's much bigger and broader than that this time - what I relish in now, I've found, is simply healthier living. The beauty of that is I can see the results of it everyday! I'm rewarded not somewhere down the road, but in the here and now, every time I eat a healthy meal, every time I go out and get exercise. It's amazing, really, because it's a mindset I never though myself capable of adopting. I don't think so much about how great it's going to be when I look the way I want to, but rather how happy my body must be about the excellent treatment it's getting, and how liberating and empowering it is to be actively working, day by day, to improve myself and my life. Even though I haven't lost enough weight to really notice, I see the change in my energy levels, in my optimistic, can-do attitude, in the peace I feel at the end of every day that comes with the knowledge that there's hope for me after all.
And now I'm in tears. Lol. Happy tears, of course! I didn't realize until I wrote that last bit how very little hope I had (up until now, of course) that I could ever get my act together. Again, I don't want to count my chickens, as I'm always very cautious when trusting myself with new "projects," but this doesn't feel like a passing fad to me anymore. It feels like something I can do, that I want to do, that I enjoy doing, and that I can keep doing for life. I'm not saying I won't ever stumble, or that I'm cured of my food issues forever. But I feel more capable of dealing with them now, now that I've discovered my ability to exert control over it. To be able to say that I'm in control of my food, and not the other way around, is something I've never really been able to claim in the past.
I owe a lot of all this to all of you wonderful people that have been reading and commenting. It gives me so much strength to know that the people who love me are with me in this. This is a battle I can't fight on my own, and reaching out has proved to be the most effective weight loss strategy I've ever come up with. So thank you, thank you, thank you.
On a lighter note, I had a lovely grilled zucchini and tomato salad for dinner today, thanks to Kalyn's Kitchen...
Otherwise, I was pretty ho-hum with food today. With all the studying and paper writing I did, I really didn't have time to spare for anything more. This week, actually, might be a little boring foodwise, as I didn't plan anything out (I have to eat up all my leftovers before going home for Thanksgiving!), but I'll try to make at least one thing a day that's picture-worthy. Makes the post look so much more interesting. :)
Here's food:
Breakfast
Kashi Heart-to-Heart - 160
Greek yogurt w/ blueberries - 140
Lunch
Chicken and provolone roll-ups - 223
Gala apple (SO delicious!) - 53
Dinner
Grilled zucchini Greek salad - 197
Snacks
Mini pepperoni - 52
1 tbsp peanut butter - 100
Sugar-free Jell-o (Banana Fudge, yum!) - 60
Total: 985
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