Day 100 (we're switching to digits)

Today, on my one hundredth day of posting, I've decided to do a little reflection on the progress I've made so far. I've had a couple of days that were kind of rough for me emotionally, and I figure this is the perfect place to let it all out.

So there's this new show on TLC called "My Strange Addiction." And, as the title would suggest, these people have some strange addictions. Toilet-paper eaters, thumb suckers, compulsive shoe shoppers...just to name a few. But interestingly, some of the advice given to the addicts by psychiatrists on the show applies rather well to my own addiction to food.

Really and truly, for most of my life I've had an addictive relationship with food. Any time I'm sad, stressed, defeated, upset, or just plain bored, my first instinct has always been to go for food. I've got my "hard drugs," which tend to be things like numbered meals at fast food places, bags of Peanut M&M's, delivered pizza, etc. Then I have the more recreational stuff, which can be anything from a mac and cheese to Sun Chips. It all depends on the size of the emotion I'm trying to satisfy. So I've been able to relate a lot to the people on "My Strange Addiction," even if my own addiction is not as outlandish as theirs. Those self-destructive behaviors are all too familiar to me.

Something one of the psychiatrists on the show suggested is removing triggers from the house. My triggers, I've learned, are anything in the pantry or fridge that is salty, sweet, and can be eaten instantly and in quantity. This is why it was so helpful to me when I started this whole project to throw out all my triggers: nutella, sugary cereal, chips, etc. Just getting these things out of the house makes me eat so much healthier. No matter how many nutritious foods I stock up on, if I have even one box of cookies - even fat-free, "healthy" cookies - in the pantry, when I snack I'll choose cookies over fruits and veggies every time until the cookies are gone. I've learned about my triggers the hard way for the past few weeks, having bought a few "healthy" snacks like pretzels, Trader Joe's corn puffs (similar to Pirate's Booty), 100 calorie packs, and those fat-free Snack Wells cookies. I might have bought a bunch of fruits and veggies in addition to all of that stuff, but they get immediately forgotten at snack time in favor of the empty-calorie quick snacks.

Soooo, we're doing a bit of pantry purging again. :) I'm also considering restarting Phase One next week, because I think that sense of structure really helps me.

Another thing that was suggested on the show, which I think is a great idea, is to list the reasons why you quit your addiction. This way, every time you're tempted to relapse, you can go look at your list and remember what made you quit in the first place. So I thought, what better place to do this than on the blog? So here is my list:

Day Sixty-One

Oh, boy. I'm up to my old tricks again.

I'm not going to make any excuses: claim Christmas, blame it on being at home, or any of the like. I have to be able to stay healthy in a variety of situations, and if simply coming home is enough to throw me off, I have a lot of work to do!

So it's confession time.

Confession #1: I've only exercised twice since I came home on December 13.

Confession #2: I made an Italian cream cake for our annual DeRosa/Hebrank/Krebs/Linton Christmas dinner. I licked the bowl. Both the batter bowl and the icing bowl. There was also a bowl of M&Ms on the counter while I was baking which I partook of far too frequently.

Confession #3: I had a piece of cake at dinner. A large one. I ate most of it.

Confession #4: The morning after, I ate leftover cake. And leftover mashed potatoes. And leftover M&Ms.

Confession #5: This morning I ate two spoonfuls of leftover cake icing. Thank God Mom threw the cake out.

These confessions are meant to serve the same purpose they would in a religious context. I'm stating my sins, asking for absolution, and beginning again with a clean slate.

I expected to experience a few pitfalls over the holidays, but it scares me all the same, when these old behaviors resurface. Even though I know I can't expect myself to be instantly and permanently cured of my food issues, every time I deviate just a little bit from being healthy I immediately feel like I've failed.

I think the biggest concern I have is not the fact that I ate some cake and mashed potatoes. It's the fact that I did a lot of it in secret, and experienced that familiar feeling of shame after I'd done it. The fear that someone in the house was going to notice that I'd eaten cake. The fear that they would also think I'm a failure.

Therein, I believe, lies the problem. I indulge in secret, and feel ashamed afterwards. These feelings of shame and failure lead to further secretive unhealthy eating, which will eventually result in actual failure.

So. I'm putting my sins out there for everyone to see, and I'm refusing to be ashamed. Instead, I'm going to wipe the slate clean and start again. A couple of days of cake will not ruin me! So we're going to focus on the positives:

Positive #1: While I indulged, I did not binge. In the past, had I been alone with half a leftover cake, another half of it would have been gone before the day was through. After the piece at dinner, I had a few more bites, at most. Mom ended up giving and throwing most of the cake away (the throwing away part at my request!).

Positive #2: I'm not nursing secret shame. At least, not anymore. I'm not letting it get me down. I'm not letting it lead to further bad decisions.

Positive #3: I'm using this slight downfall to facilitate further growth. I want to use this to encourage myself in the future, since I know this will not be the only downfall I'll ever experience.

Okay, so those are the only positives I can think of right now. :) But it's a start. The biggest step for me is putting all this out in the open instead of keeping it to myself and pretending it didn't happen. I know this blog has been my strength and support so far, and I intend to keep it that way!

Plan of action:

1. Get exercise today. And tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that!

2. Go back to counting calories and posting them on the blog every night.

3. Post on the blog every night!

4. Plan meals for the rest of the week. Knowing what I'm going to eat ahead of time always makes for healthier decisions!

5. Don't beat myself up if I indulge in a few treats between now and Christmas. Continue to employ moderation and restraint.

Onward and upward! I know you guys are rooting for me!!